Well that was fast.
Tomorrow, it is Christmas Eve. On Thursday, I’ll be 25. And then five days after, we’ll be ringing in 2013.
I’ve been racking my brain the last two weeks on how to write about 2012. Looking back on the places, faces, spaces, and phases occupied by each quarter of the year, each object and subject played a crucial part in unfolding my current in between state.
I am an underemployed graduate student that isn’t quite sure how the next year will unfold. Since 2009, there had always been a plan: find writing jobs that would lead into working for a big publishing or media company. The writing jobs came and went, but the last four years taught me that such dreams aren’t as clear cut as they play out in your head. Reality became a force to reckon with, making compromises on expectation.
Now it’s 2012 and this year didn’t just compromise expectation: it shifted my values and world view to a whole new direction. The sketches made in the last four years have been torn apart, asking to be revised, rewritten, and redrawn. “What’s your plan now?” everyone asks upon finding out about the crucial decision I made in November. I’m still deciding between two roads. For the first time in a long time, I’m not as prepared as I usually am. I let the universe take hold of my luck for a month, and it provided exactly what was needed. I’m not a big fan of depending on luck, but I’m grateful for that unseen force looking out for me despite the unlikeliest circumstances.
Still, it’s terrifying to be in between, to be on the road following signs on a whim but still not quite sure where you’ll go. It’s even scarier doing this approaching 25, the age I once imagined myself to be clearly headed somewhere. If I’m lucky enough to live until a 100, then this week will mark the official start of an actual quarter life crisis. None of us want this at such an age but maybe I need this to really grow up and to really map out properly the coming journey. A journey that isn’t just driven by expectation, but appropriated to the world’s harsh but enlightening realities.
A clean slate? Not quite. Events, life, etc., as one classmate said, are all palimpsest. No matter how much was scratched out from my now previous phase in life, marks remain to color, sharpen, and shade the next sketch.
Thank you 2012. You were never boring.