An inherited disposition

From a lunch discussion on Secretary Jesse’s death

Papa: Well, if he had listened to his wife, maybe he wouldn’t have died.

Mama: Wondering what could have been isn’t going to bring him back. Kapalaran niya yan.

They say that we become our parents. Hearing their reactions to the plane crash that killed a good government official, I realized I have “inherited” a combination of how my mother and father deal with problems.

An incident last week made me realize just how defeatist I can be at times. Yet it comes from an acknowledgement of reality, of what still needs to be done, and how much of my power can only do so much. Fate, destiny, inevitability, (add a little stubborn will from other people), and all those stronger forces are beyond my control. I always tell myself and anyone willing to listen what should and can be done, but at the same time, I acknowledge that some destinies seal themselves–and my “saving” can only go so far.

Perhaps I have allowed myself to be so overpowered by those stronger forces that I have given up. I have moved from anger to resignation.

While taking in my current reaction to what life has thrown at me, I wondered what my 22-year-old, freshly graduate self would have told my turning 25 self.

She’d be just as stubborn, insisting I carry on and fight for what I believe in. If it’s a losing battle, then perhaps it’s time to find a new war.

Then again, that’s probably my current 24 year old self saying the latter.

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