At one point in my life, I never thought I’d find myself giving in to the exhaustion of my body yet still pushing it to continue work that can be put on hold. I attempted to relax this weekend by shifting my attention to my favorite time “wasters”: books, TV shows, and online newspaper articles. But there was always that nagging feeling I had something else to do, something else to finish and that I would just be wasting my time on trivial pursuits. Yet my body was in constant conflict with my mind, begging me to at least consider it needed its attention away from what it’s been exhausting itself over. There was that terrifying thought I would die finishing work I wasn’t even certain as to what its purpose was in the first place. It has reached the point in which, as much as I love what I do and the opportunities it provides, it has ultimately become about finishing for the sake of finishing. Kind of like a 10km run that was done just to not waste the entrance fee, rather than psyching myself up to be among the first finishers. You feel accomplished after running/walking a great length, but you didn’t quite make the most out of the physical experience.
The actual purpose has been lost in the schedule shifts, sudden changes, and all those crazy events Murphy just loves to include in a chaotic universe. And as much as I own up to my responsibilities, I have to accept some things are beyond my control. My individual actions have their limits and spreading myself too far has brought out both the best and worst in me. This resignation can work out to my advantage–the control freak in me is not as aggravated, and has caved into the pseudo-calm of accepting the consequences of chaos that cannot be controlled.
I’ve ran many races in what will be the last two years in two weeks. There have been accomplished finish lines that let me enjoy pats on the back and some sort of trophy of getting that far. But races can get you tired after several runs, and if I’m not even sure I want the finish line anymore, then it’s about time I sort out what direction my steps should really take. Every story is made from change, and frankly, I’m tired of always coming back to this. So now I ask myself: when, where, and how? Soon, I’ll see, and to be continued. Heh.