There is an exhilarating rush to being productive. In the last few weeks, I have surprised myself in pulling two straight all-nighters, walking back and forth a day after both all-nighters, managing to make quick decisions on the same day, appearing approachable and speaking properly to all persons involved, and all in all, pulling off a successful event. The exhilaration found its conclusion in achievement. I thought I could finally breathe, reap the silence of my exhausted body.
The universe, however, had other plans. There was more work to catch up to. New projects popped up and school was about to start in a week. I don’t even want to begin with what went down in between–the thoughts are exhausting in themselves.
I am no longer productive, I’m just busy with work. And it’s not the kind of busy you want to show off to look like a career-driven woman. A career has direction, discipline, and a goal. I’m not even sure where my some of my efforts are going; I do them for the sake of finishing what needs to be done. But I’ve given up or have doubts on the importance, given the uncertain circumstances surrounding what some tasks are leading up to. Right now, I don’t feel that exhilarating rush. I haven’t, in the last few weeks that we had to end up cleaning up and finishing another person’s work (see what I mean by an exhausting thought?).
But similar to the last week of May and its culmination on May 26, the previous paragraph’s bruhaha has again, proven that I am able to do more than even what I expect myself. Even I’m surprised how quicker things have been going with how we were forced to learn new things, despite the delay in accomplishment.
I certainly hope this amazing ability to keep on top of things, no matter what the setback, applies as well to my first semester as a student in UP Diliman. My first class brought on another type of exhilaration–an eagerness, a fresh new excitement that made me look forward to the rest of the year. It also made me realize the tasks both classes required will keep me productive. And amid all the bruhaha that has to be done, I wanted to step away and immerse myself in the brain-gasms of the required readings. I knew where my brain and body will be headed then; and I know it will be worth all the extra effort and extra coffee.
Then again, I probably won’t be complaining about the uncertainty of all this once the answer reveals itself in time. Life doesn’t get any easier but it does make us wiser. I’d much rather be complaining about the crazy of stress than the lack of motion from being idle. The universe won’t give me anything (anyone) I can’t handle.