Fear cuts deeper than swords. -Syrio Forel, the first sword of Braavos, A Song of Ice and Fire/Game of Thrones
I’ve been having a lot more time for myself compared to the months past. You could say it started from having not-enough-cash-to-go-out-more, or maybe it was from that dinner when a good friend of mine asked, “What do you want to do next? What’s your plan?” Or maybe it was since that good friend’s girlfriend, Johna, reminded me that we shouldn’t lose sight of what we dream of, because as time passes, we will lose interest and the heart to do those things.
I haven’t exactly been firm with myself in pursuing my dreams. At times, I’m not quite sure what they are, because financial limitations, the lack of connections, and the time I juggle leads to think “maybe in a year,” or “when the time is right,” or “after so-and-so happens.” But then a year passes, and the time is never right, and so-so doesn’t seem likely to happen. Because I’m just waiting. Waiting, staying in the same zone, sticking to what I know and not moving on. The courage to move on I’m scared to start…because courage is not found, it’s something you work on. The risks I need to take, I’m too scared of going ahead and suffering some of the consequences. But I know the negatives–those awful, heartbreaking, and disheartening things–aren’t talked about, unlike the rewarding fulfillment or willingness to go through those for the sake of accomplishing something. There’s no denying I’ve gone somewhere, and I am doing something I dreamed of, but as life goes on, I know there is something more. There are walls that confine my current state, limitations that could leave me stagnant and not keeping up with everyone else.
Not that what people think matter. The regard of others can only last for so long–what matters really is the influence of my responsibilities and how at the end of the day, it’s worth sacrificing for and getting up early in the morning to accomplish. What I do now is worth the latter, but not so much the former. I am not a martyr–I know what is deserving, and sometimes I am not given so.
So in order to find that next great step, I need to make it. I gave that good friend an answer, and last night, I wrote it down. Writing things down is like how some people think saying something out loud makes the act more real. So I will swallow my fears, or at least, set them aside, for this decision. I will do what is required to make it happen. Slowly, but surely. Enough avoiding. Time for more living.