The days are getting unbelievably longer. I wait and I wait for someone to answer the phone, hoping for a response that will assure me my project is getting on the right track. So far, it hasn’t. Secretaries have been unbearable, directors not paying attention to our letters, and big time photo companies lack the budget. I don’t want to give up because I’m a fighter, but at one point, I do realize that I need more people fighting with me.
Everyone’s got their careers on track–law school, med school, licensure exams, and internships. My ID number didn’t allow me to have an OJT and in the middle of college, I know my course wasn’t for me. But where else does it lead me? I’ve got two jobs, one that is yet to start and the other not yet paying. I applied for a freelance writing one, and I am desperately hoping to get it, because the online exams made me realize how much I MISS forming a decent article, stringing the words together. I have dreams, dreams that are on hold because either I lack the connections or because the recession holds me back. What direction will I take? Where do I really want to go? Will the world really fight with me? Am I strong enough to hold out on my own?
This entry isn’t meant to make any sense, I’m sorry. I just need to get a lot of questions out of my head–questions that I’m trying to answer. I know some of these questions are best answered if I get out there and LIVE, but I don’t have the money to do so. Back then I would have said, why does money kill, anger, and frustrate people? Well, look at me now. I don’t have the old family money to get me through another school or to travel and discover myself.
Is it my fickle nature holding back, or the complete refusal to acknowledge what needs to be done? I have responsibilities waiting for me to act on them, and I need to understand these take time. I guess what really makes me think I’m at a stand still is the fact the now hasn’t been much. But I should not waste my time worrying,and simply hope. For self-fulfilling prophecies do happen.
God, complete word vomit. I will delete this entry in a few days.